The time has come.

First, I have to start with an apology.

I'm sorry this blog has been such a long time coming. Although to be perfectly honest i don't know why i'm apologising, as i doubt anyone is reading this right now, as i've blocked the one person who might have been remotely interested.

It's a long story, and one i'm not sure i want to go into fully, but bear patience, it will come at some point i'm sure. Maybe.


When i last wrote this blog, I was revising for my exams, which I got the results for in august.
2 A's and 9 B's (A's in History and Art, B's in English lit, english lang, maths, science(x2), french, italian (HA), product design and short course ICT) which i was proud of, as it has been one hell of a two years. ALthough i really don't like to complain about it, as it could be a lot worse.

The pain i'm getting has escalated. i'm on 20 tablets a day to relieve the pain, and it still stops me from walking, even with my stick. I have an appointment with the pain clinic on tuesday, who i'm hoping can give me some nice ideas, as im on the fifth medical proffesional to give up on me.

Me and my mother come to blows over this subject. She doesn't understand the pain i'm in, and that's fine. I don't expect her to. But she seems to think she does, and thinks she knows what helps more than I do, and tells me that things i'mdoing are bad for me.

As far as I see it, if no-one can tell me what it is that is wrong, then no-one can tell me what is good or bad for me.

All i've been told is to keep moving around. As much as I try, there are ultimately times where I can't do this. If i mention that I need more help, my mother ultimately agrees. As I see it, the two options are A)stronger tablets or B)better walking aids. I dont want to pour another 20 tablets down my neck every day, and she agrees with this. she also says that i "can't have crutches" as if i've just asked her for a tenner.

it makes me angry that she thinks that i want this.
it makes me angry that she thinks she knows better than me.
it upsets me that shes only saying this because "it's like a sick role".
it makes me angry that she doesn't understand that i dont care if other people see me as a sick role. but most of all,
it upsets me that she obviously does care.