Chipmunked Metal.

Is entertaining...

Mindless Self Indulgence (Shut Me Up) in very high voices. Nice one youtube.

Haven't done this in a couple of days, so happy new year, it's now 2010, which to be perfectly honest feels no different except that my mother appears grumpier this year.

Full on screaming at me and Zoe for noooo apparent reason whatsoever.
Need to get out of the houssse, and i've only been home for about 2 hours...

Anywhom, nothing really's been going on, except the exam (and my birthday) is now... 10 days away, i don't know any biology, no-one knows what to get me for my birthday, and don't fail to ask. Repeatedly. We (Me, Lauren, Greg and Chris) were sitting in the chinese earlier (of course) when my dear Carrie texted me asking what I wanted. Which started them all off of course.

I have a worrying feeling Greg will be purchasing something from poundland..... Ah well.



And I literally know no Biology. And I have history 8 days later. My debate (in my head of course) is that i should spend more time on the 3 subjects I will be continuing to A2, because i'm not going to do amazingly well in this or any other exam, coz of, yknow, the constant pain thing.
My reasoning is that i'm doing going to do incredibly well in either of the exams this january, but it would be better if i spent more time on the history one, so instead of getting eg. C and C, I got a D and a B.

That makes sense to me

But to mum its
"why can't you get B's in both"

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT

Just a thought...

I have an exam in 17 days.

AS level biology.

I am going to fail.

Well maybe I won't fail.

I just won't pass well.



Ah.

Merry Christmas one and all :)

Santa was kind to me this year, as was my grandma and uncles and mum and sister :)

I get alternative christmas on the 27th, wih dad and all the rest which should be good. I need a new LED torch...

The pain's been very bad these few days. This morning I had to lie in bed for about 40 minutes until i could attempt getting up.
Mum appears to be more aware of the whole thing, which i've only noticed in the past few days... since i restarted this blog. Which is good. I'm very pleased about that, maybe it means she'll be able to help me out more in later times.

Right now, i think i may head off and do a bit of guitar hero :)

Here's to new year, coming soon :)
me and the matees are gonna head to the hippo and then back to someones house, cant remember whos :L hopeefuuully greg will be able to come... he said he wasnt sure :(

Sitting with a pen through my ear.

Apparently expanders don't come in size 7. Who knew. So i've had to go to an 8, which means its a liiiiiiil bit too big....

The pain clinic was good :)
v nice doctor, had a clue what he was on about, kept reffering to it as my disability, and saying stuff about being disabled.
which i surprisingly don't have a problem with.
i like being able to actually justify calling it a disibility, which i can now the doctor's been saying it.

ive got some new medicated dressings to put on my back, im gonna get reffered to the hospital phisio for hydrotherapy and they can help me out with crutches, theyre gonna give me a TENs machine, and get me a consaultation with a special pain hospital in bath.

so woop :)

and yesterday was gooooooood :D i successfully caught the bus, and met all of Greg's family, (slightly odd, but theyre all lovely) and they like me so :) and spent time with greggg which was nice, then we came back and went to dinner at anna's which was luvleh :)


CRIMBO EVE is upon us. i've been sitting around cleaning allll day, hopefully lauren and harry are gonna pop round for a bit, coz harry's meeting the parents (7 weeks after they started going out may i add. 2 weeks for me and greg :L) sooo maybe i'll have some company in a bit :)

Stresssss

I have to get a bus to Callington.

This in itself isn't stressful, however, despite the family almost moving there at one point, i still have no idea at which point i have to press the bell, coz you have to press it a bit before you want it to stop don't you?

Anyway.
I'm going to Callington to see Greg. He hasn't been in town for a while (lack of funds i believe) and I have to give him his rock before christmas. Plus I miss him n all that jazz.

Also yay christmas :)

i'm concerned about my pain clinic appointment tomorrow :S coz i know how these things go. They'll think i'm perfectly able to wait another 3 months or something for help.
But i'm not.
as the doctor said "when you've had this for 2 1/2 years, a month is quite a short time" to which i replied "not when it's getting worse"
to which i still fully agree (of course i do, i said it)
and 1/2/3 months is quite a long time when i have to miss my lessons with alarming frequency, because i simply can't move.
sometimes it isnt too bad.
sometimes its dreadful.
the rest of the time its inbetween.
but its always there.

people say i'm being negative because i know it's going to be dreadful at a point in the future. thats unfair. i tell them i'm being realistic. they continue saying im being negative. its uncalled for really... as much as i hate to say it, they don;t know what its like (and that phrase makes my skin crawl, it just sounds like an excuse) and i can see how they might see it as negative. because to someone who rarely sees physical pain, saying that i'm going to be in unbearable pain for a few days soon might seem negative. however, for someone living in constant pain, its just a fact of life like sleeping or eating.

at some point in the future i will sleep, followed by eating.
at some point in the future i will be practically incapacitated by pain, followed by improvement where i can bear to walk to the co-op and back.

they're the same to me.

sorry if that's negative, but maybe you need to live it to know it.

i dont dislike people giving me advice on my problems. i dont mind people trying to help. i don't mind slight patronisation, because i know theyre trying to help.
what i do mind, is people telling me how im coping wrong, and i'm not doing it good enough, and how i should be doing it, without them even knowing what one of my good days feels like.

The time has come.

First, I have to start with an apology.

I'm sorry this blog has been such a long time coming. Although to be perfectly honest i don't know why i'm apologising, as i doubt anyone is reading this right now, as i've blocked the one person who might have been remotely interested.

It's a long story, and one i'm not sure i want to go into fully, but bear patience, it will come at some point i'm sure. Maybe.


When i last wrote this blog, I was revising for my exams, which I got the results for in august.
2 A's and 9 B's (A's in History and Art, B's in English lit, english lang, maths, science(x2), french, italian (HA), product design and short course ICT) which i was proud of, as it has been one hell of a two years. ALthough i really don't like to complain about it, as it could be a lot worse.

The pain i'm getting has escalated. i'm on 20 tablets a day to relieve the pain, and it still stops me from walking, even with my stick. I have an appointment with the pain clinic on tuesday, who i'm hoping can give me some nice ideas, as im on the fifth medical proffesional to give up on me.

Me and my mother come to blows over this subject. She doesn't understand the pain i'm in, and that's fine. I don't expect her to. But she seems to think she does, and thinks she knows what helps more than I do, and tells me that things i'mdoing are bad for me.

As far as I see it, if no-one can tell me what it is that is wrong, then no-one can tell me what is good or bad for me.

All i've been told is to keep moving around. As much as I try, there are ultimately times where I can't do this. If i mention that I need more help, my mother ultimately agrees. As I see it, the two options are A)stronger tablets or B)better walking aids. I dont want to pour another 20 tablets down my neck every day, and she agrees with this. she also says that i "can't have crutches" as if i've just asked her for a tenner.

it makes me angry that she thinks that i want this.
it makes me angry that she thinks she knows better than me.
it upsets me that shes only saying this because "it's like a sick role".
it makes me angry that she doesn't understand that i dont care if other people see me as a sick role. but most of all,
it upsets me that she obviously does care.

Isn't it funny

That one email can stop you from caring